That Infamous Date
What you are about to read is a TRUE STORY! This really happened. Don't tell my dad that I told you this story! It's about a date my daddy went on about 6 years before he met mommy. This is something you would expect to see on Saturday Night Live. Maybe someday they will make a skit out of it.
My dad hadn't been out on a date in a while when he met this gorgeous girl at a party in Boulder. She had recently broken up with some guy so was on the rebound big time (daddy figures that's why he had a chance). Daddy and her hit it off pretty good so he decided to get her number and take her out on a date. He couldn't believe he was going out with such a knock out. He thought to himself "geez, on this date I gotta try to not act like a dork".
Well, so much for tryin'. The date began with dad cruisin' up to her house in his 1968 4-door dodge Coronet, a real beauty of a car. At this point dad felt pretty calm and confident. He asked what she'd like to do, and she thought a drive-in movie would be kinda fun. So off they went.
Dad first decided to drop by a liquor store. He immediately grabbed a six-pack of Molson beer, thinking that this would be a good choice since it looked classy and was a little more expensive than the average beer. He threw the six-pack in the back seat and proceeded to pull out of the liquor store parking lot. Dad was still feeling pretty confident and thinking to himself that things were going pretty good so far. This thought was immediately interrupted when she asked "Uh, Fred, don't you think you should shut your back door?" Dad quickly stopped the car before he got out in traffic and shut the back door. Ut oh, he was now thinking, I'd better cover this dork maneuver up with a good chuckle and a "Oh, I do that all the time!" Well, luckily she laughed so dad felt relieved to be safely through that boneheaded episode.
Soon after they arrived at the drive-in. Dad pulled up to what he thought was an ideal spot, and proceeded to take the speaker and fasten it on the window. Well, as luck would have it, some "punk kid" in dad's words had beforehand rigged the speaker full of sand, so that when dad secured it the bottom fell open and dirt dumped all over dad's corduroy pants! Dad got out of the car and slapped the stuff off his pants. This required a little extra time since those old-style corduroy pants had fairly deep creases in them. After saying a few derogatory things about the unknown prankster, dad jumped back in the car. "OK", he said, "let's get this thing adjusted." The next thing out of his mouth was "you've got to be kidding!". There was apparently some more dirt left and it again dumped all over his pants! This is when things were starting to happen in twos. He had to get out of the car again and go through the same procedure of dirt removal and grumbling about the "punk kid" prankster.
After dad got back in the car he decided maybe a drink would help loosen up a quickly tightening situation. She agreed, so dad quickly reached in the back seat and grabbed one of the Molson's. "OH NO!" Dad thought to himself - the Molson's weren't the twist off type, and dad didn't have a can opener! Dad quickly thought to himself that he's gotta be cool here and act like he knows what he's doing. "Drats, I forgot a can opener", he told her. "Let's see, I'll just pop it off here using the side of my door". Several seconds later there was beer all over dad's face and beard, the steering wheel, the windshield, EVERYWHERE! Dad quickly wiped himself off and the surrounding affected area. Dad was now thinking that things were getting out of control, but he reminded himself to keep cool. OK, he thought, let's get it right this time. He handed her the now partially full beer, and grabbed one for himself.
Several seconds later there was beer all over dad's face and beard, the steering wheel, the windshield, EVERYWHERE! AGAIN! Now there was no way of overcoming the dork syndrome. 'It's all over", dad thought. "The game is up. I'm doomed!"
Well, dad was right. From here it went downhill fast. To top it all off, when the next round of beer came up, she volunteered to pop the beer cap herself. Dad will never forget the little trickle of steam coming from the top of the beer after she neatly removed the top from the same place on her side of the car.
Dad finished the night getting a little too silly from rapid alcohol consumption and made even more of a fool of himself. He would end up taking her home and never seeing her again. He did call her once afterward but got such an obvious two-by-four over the head that he knew never to call again!